It’s Spring, Break out the Weed Whacker!
During the spring, tool sheds creak open from their long winter slumber all over Northern California. Of course, I am sure you can imagine why. It only makes sense that during winter much has gone dormant under the cold weather covering. But, by the time Spring hits, there is growth like no other that needs to be tended with. My tools of choice depend on how intense this “said growth” is.
So with that, I simply take off my warm winter pants and look! Yes. I did just say I take off my pants to figure this out. I mean, how else am I going to assess the damage? I’m telling you the hair growth I accumulate during those winter months is amazing! It’s like an extra layer of fur insulating my body. Some years I may need a pruner, other years I’ve needed a chainsaw; but, my usual tool of choice is the Weed Whacker. The Weed Whacker is wonderful! It whips through that thick forest of brush and all in no time. (And the best part is I lose an instant 10 pounds every Spring). YAY!
You know what really concerns me more about this concept though? Men. Yes, men and their use of these tools. That may seem weird, because they have been using these tools for forever—but OMG!!! Have you heard of Manscaping? It’s just, uh, that’s just, ummmm…I, I, I don’t know how to say it—it’s just wrong—and weird. Right?
I was astonished when my two teenage boys explained the whole concept of Manscaping to me. To know that men are using these tools for the same reasons as us ladies just seems to throw the whole gender balance thing off. I mean, I’m used to hearing about guys whacking stuff—but to know they are also whacking their weeds—it just seems unnatural.
What do you mean double standard? It’s not a double-standard. Men, bless their hearts, are supposed to be hairy and gross, and well, you know—unkempt to a certain degree. I can understand a little back waxing—but come on! Men are bringing a whole new meaning to what a “landing strip” is—and what the hell? They’ve even extended the runway! Leave it to them to try to outdo women, frickin’ competitive beasts that they are. And if I’m really honest with myself, that’s what’s pissing me off the most about this—they’ve turned this into a gender contest.
It’s just not fair. In general, men tend to be bigger and stronger than women. Points for them there. Then, of course, there’s the age thing. Men seem to get more attractive as they age and are regarded for gaining more character as the years go by. Blah, blah, blah—while women, are made to feel dumpier and less desirable as they move toward the golden years. Again, more points for the guys there. So NOW you are telling me the one thing us ladies have over the men, our smooth, hairless skin, is now being rivaled with? Hello? I do not need a man looking better than me in that arena too—damn dirty bastards! We just can’t win women, ugh!
(Okay, now that all the men feel like they’ve won this battle, and have moved on to the next chapter, girls huddle in close. Now listen—here’s the real deal: They might win points with all that crap, but we win the ultimate, because we outlive them, and then we never, ever, EVER have to shave again.) WOMEN WIN!!! YAY!!! Let the victory dance commence!
(Excerpt from: Looking for B.O.B. (BrightSides of Bull$#!+) Every Day, Olivia Michele Giacomini, Copyright 2016)