Miss OMG

Doggy-style in the Grocery Aisle

So, you know how “they” say, “You’ll never believe what you’ll see during a visit to Wal-Mart.” Well, I say, “they” are correct!

Not saying I actually went to Wal-Mart, but I did go to a particular store where the employees wear blue vests, and that sells just about everything you can think of for your home, yard or car…including groceries.

Now, let me preface this story by telling you all that I love animals. I really do. I  have owned all kinds of animals: dogs, cat, bunnies, cows, horses, sheep, chickens and a big ole turtle. Oh, and fish!  Yes, fish count.

So here’s the story.  I jam to this store, because it’s only 10 minutes from my house, as opposed to 18 minutes for my favorite grocery store. Why did I chose the closer one? Simply, I was in a hurry to get home and make dinner for my family. KEYWORDS: IN A HURRY, people!

I made it to the store with no problems, and got everything on my list in record time. Because of the speediness, there was actually a fleeting moment when I considered making this place my regular food store. (THIS IS SERIOUSLY A SHOCKER, because I pretty much DESPISE shopping at this entire chain of stores)! Then I went to check out.

The line was long for Self Check-out, but not too bad. I decided to skip that option because I had a lot of produce to purchase, (and it’s my experience that self-checking fruits and vegetables can be a shopping nightmare). Am I right, or what?  I mean really…no matter what, the “Checker-on-Duty” ends up at my register having to fix the computer, and repeats the process EVERY SINGLE TIME I need to weigh something. UGH!  This process can take forever, especially cuz I like my veggies!!!

So I start “vulturing,” (yes, I made up that word), for the perfect register that is going to be short and sweet. There was none.

Finally, I make a choice. Register #13 EXPRESS LANE, 10 ITEMS OR LESS. Hmmm…Unlucky 13. Well, I didn’t think anything of it at the time…I REALLY should be more superstitious!

There was a lady checking out her stuff with the clerk, and then another gal right behind her with only a stroller and a few items to purchase. I was next. Yay, I was going to get out of that store in no time. Or so I thought.

That’s because at that moment, the gal in front of me reaches down to take her baby out of the stroller, (which was nicer than any baby stroller I ever owned). But the strange thing is, as she was doing this, I could see she had a giant pink leash in her hands and that she was fixin’ to put it on the baby!  I’m totally thinking this lady is NUTS! That’s when she stands up with the hairiest baby I’ve ever seen…a dog! So that sparks a full blown frickin’ conversation between her, the lady in front of her and the clerk, for which the clerk has stopped checking ANYTHING, because she is so immersed in the conversation. OMG! Don’t they teach these checkers to multi-task?

Now I am all about friendly banter while standing in line and getting through the check-out process, but I do NOT believe in holding up the line…and certainly not holding the people behind me in line, hostage. This chat took, SERIOUSLY, no less than five frickin’ minutes. I know this, because that’s what I clocked when I finally started timing them. FINALLY, the first lady leaves, and the Dog Lady is up to bat. YAY, I’m on deck. So I completely unload my cart. It’s at that moment as I place my final item on the conveyor belt, with three sets of people behind me, that a clerk, returning from his break, walks up, looks at me and tells me he can take the next person in line. I look at him like, “WHAT THE FLIPPING HELL? Where were you 5 minutes ago?”

So of course the next three people behind me go get in that line. But I figure no worries, we’ll get out soon enough. BUT NO!!!!

That’s because the Dog Lady and the clerk, are now at a standstill as they discuss the new outfits they have been buying for their dogs. I kid you not. They were talking about the different dresses they’ve bought them and the different events they will be wearing them to. It was if they were discussing their daughters going to prom!  Down to the accessories of the studded collars to go with each outfit.  OH MY GOD!!!  Seriously, (I began praying), “God, you have a twisted sense of humor to be putting me through this. Please give me the strength NOT to slap the crap outta both of these beyotches. Amen.”

Now, keep in mind that during this time, the Dog Lady has her precious baby, a Jack Russel Terrier, on one of those retractable 20-foot long leashes, and the dog is running all over the place.

As the Dog Lady explains to the clerk she has also purchased a pink collar for the dog, because she’s trying to “femine her up a bit,” people are dodging the dog who is running around them. After two people tripped over the leash that was sticking out across the exit aisle in front of the register, the Dog Lady finally decided it was time to “reel her in” and put her back in the stroller.  YA THINK???  DUH, LADY!!!  Now mind you, the two people tripped were the people that were BEHIND me in line that got lucky and checked out through the newly opened checkstand. (Insert your favorite F-word here)

Really?  REALLY? Now, I am all about service dogs…I love what they do for people with disabilities, and have known several in my lifetime. LOVE-LOVE-LOVE them! Guide dogs and companion dogs are incredible, and truly a blessing. I do not have any issues with them being anywhere with their person they are taking care of. They are trained exceptionally well and are truly impressive. (BUT COME ON PEOPLE!)…This NON-service dog had no reason to be in a grocery store where we buy food. Other stores, not such a problem to me, but please, no food stores. Isn’t that health code violation? Licking the candy bars at the check stand is just sooooo wrong…(I mean, if I can’t do it, dogs can’t do it either, right?) SAVE THE CHOCOLATE, PLEASE!  Besides, dog aren’t supposed to have chocolate and I, personally, really do not relish the idea of eating something after a dog has licked it, after licking their ass. Just saying.

But it goes beyond the “dog in the store” aspect…it was more about the rudeness of the conversation…which sincerely caused me to wait OVER 10 minutes, more like 13 minutes (hmmm…) just to check out. So much for being in the Express Lane. Right? It was also a matter of the Dog Lady allowing the dog to run all over, leash or not, causing people to stumble and mumble crude mutterings under their breath. And most of all, it was about the “no longer the same” chocolates on the shelf…I cannot stress this point enough: DO NOT MESS WITH ME AND MY CHOCOLATE!

Well, actually, there was one other thing, come to think of it. It was when I heard “The Shriek.” It wasn’t just heard by me either. It was a deafening shriek heard round the store…and maybe even in the garden department outside. Moments later the sound was followed by an announcement on the intercom.  The voice was definitely stifling fits of laughter mixed with disgust as it uttered, “Clean-up, Aisle K9.”

At that moment I stared at the Chatty Cathy Clerk with a knowing look. Yep. Her new BFF had not fled the scene without leaving a “calling card”…of sorts. She gulped, as I glared, and we both knew: I knew who dunnit, what it did, and that I was ever so grateful not to step it!”

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O. Michele "Miss OMG" Giacomini

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