An excerpt from Looking for B.O.B. (BrightSides of Bull$#!+) Every Day. (You can buy Looking for B.O.B. on Amazon. Order soon to get your limited first release of this book! https://www.amazon.com/Looking-B-B-BrightSides-Bull-ebook/dp/B01EIVWNV0?ie=UTF8&keywords=olivia%20michele%20kindle&qid=1461186865&ref_=sr_1_1&sr=8-1
Dear Mr. Early Bird,
I guess you don’t value your life much—3:30 in the morning, really, two nights in a row? Screw being an Early Bird, cuz you’re going to be a dead bird if I don’t get some sleep!
Miss Sleep D. Prived
I shared with some neighbor friends that a damn bird had been waking us up in the middle of the night, and I found that this feathered-foe has been making his rounds. One neighbor said they had him in their backyard till they threatened him with their shotgun. Another neighbor tried to cheer me up and said I should make friends with it and enjoy it’s songs from nature. I shared with that same neighbor that I had a better remedy—it’s called borrowing our other neighbor’s said shotgun!!! We are no longer friends—something about irreconcilable differences?
I like birds and all, I LOVE animals, hell, I even own a flock of chickens—but this frickin’ bird was on my last nerve. As someone I knew described, “He was like the loud guy at a party who just wouldn’t shut his beak,”—and he was starting to bring in his loud-mouthed friends. One of my buddies quipped that we were lucky they weren’t Angry Birds. Well they may not be angry, but I sure was!!! For the love of my family and my co-workers, that bird and his buddies needed to get the flock outta here!
So then the next night, it happened again. I found myself waking up screaming, “HELP!!! I’m trapped in the frickin’ Tiki Room!!!”
DAMN BIRDS!!! It was so bad, I was forced to send out an apology letter to my neighbors:
We apologize for the loud, impromptu pool party at 3 o’clock this morning. Please know it was being organized by a rude, uninvited mallard who decided to call over all his friends from the Duck Club to go skinny dipping in our pool. We informed him of the noise ordinance from 10pm to 6am—but he quacked back that we should go “flock ourselves.” Damn trespassers!
Nothing like dragging yourself out of bed and into work after continuous nights like that! I remember pulling up to work and immediately spewing explanations:
“Geez-o—let me spare you all the trouble. Yes, I know I look tired. Yes, I know I look like hell. Yes, I know I’m a little grouchy today and should go back to bed. I am keenly aware of all this, SOME PEOPLE have made dang sure I’m not in denial about my sleep deprivation issue. On that note, I’m fixin’ to get through this day and then it’s nippy-nap time for this girl!”
I then began to storm off, and I swear I overheard people whispering, “What are you nipping on before your nap???”
Well, people, for the record, I had that nap—and it must have been magical, because after I awoke, things had changed—drastically! I remember dreaming about pleading with my Knight in Shining Armor to forget riding in on his big, black stallion. I begged that he just rescue me from that stinkin’ bird that’s kept me up the past three nights in a row (before I pull out my shotgun and start calling it “dinner.”) And before it ended, I remember one simple request—if he could please, please, please bring me a small Skinny Mocha, STAT, it would be greatly appreciated.
So I awoke, and it was quiet. YAY!!! SILENCE IS GOLDEN, (and a little CREEPY)!!! But, buh-bye, birdies. The boisterous bird and his buddies finally flew the coop, which was a great thing. They’d overstayed their welcome, and I could care less if the door slammed them on their tail feathers on their way out—cuz this girl finally got some sleep! Good-bye Cranky Girl—I WAS A NEW WOMAN!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh….
Then I discovered the very next morning, a Saturday of all days, why the birds had left. Good gawd!!! When will the madness end? NOW I was being awakened by builders deciding to build a house on the property right behind me!!! UGH! OMG, those SOBs! 7am on the dot. (Yes, I was technically already awake, but I didn’t want to be FULLY awake. How RUDE of them—and on a weekend, *&^%$#@)!!!
As the next week went on, it got worse, and it continued through the following weekend too. OH MY-LANTA!!! Are they FRICKIN’ kidding? The pounding hadn’t stopped and I found myself screaming at them to, “Shut the hell up!!!” (Of course they couldn’t hear me over the ridiculous deafening chaos they were creating). OMGosh—I was losing my flippin’ mind!!! Of course, in my state, at this point, friends were pointing out that it was a short trip.
I suddenly became desperate for relief—because by the end of that week, I was waking up to JACKHAMMERS!!! UGH! So I sought out the best expert advice I could. (In other words, I summoned all my social media friends). With their help, I finally discovered a solution that worked. You see, I had to look at this as a life lesson. It was then that I discovered what I was supposed to learn through all of this commotion and stressful beginnings to my day—and it was so simple. I really wish I had reached out earlier for this advice—because it was so pure, and easy, and gave me such tranquility.
I simply learned: Earplugs and tequila shots can cure just about anything!”
Please feel free to share any sleeping tricks, tips or advice with us that you have in the comments section! Now I’m off to take another nap, zzzzzzz….